Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
