you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
