I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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