I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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