I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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