I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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