i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
