I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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