I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
