the new term for farting is butt boxing.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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