My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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