i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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