I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
