Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
