Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
