Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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