I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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