i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
