im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
