searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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