I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
