Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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