I got chris browned last night
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
