just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Randomize
