So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
