you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
