I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
