in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
