I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
