Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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