there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
