Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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