Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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