At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
