apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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