my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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