New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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