i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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