Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
