she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
