I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
