Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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