I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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