The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
