Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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