I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
