mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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