Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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