she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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