Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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