I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
