It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
