mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
