see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
