Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
